dying for the 47th time
Died the 47th time and noticed i had no reaction — this is me figuring out where the feeling went.
I died recently and noticed I didn’t react.
Not playing it cool — I mean nothing happened. The screen darkened, the character deconstructed, the counter started over, and I watched all of it without that small internal jolt of “again.” Where did it go.
The first time I died there was a real jolt. Anger, disappointment, a small crack in self-respect — something fired. The second time, smaller. By the tenth, almost nothing. I used to think this meant I’d “gotten used to it,” but that’s not it; getting used to something is still reacting, just suppressed. This is something else. The reaction itself is gone.
Reaction’s gone, what’s left is observation. I watch the thing dodge left when I crouch — third time now, next time it’ll go right. I watch the boss flip phase when its HP gets thin. I watch myself stand in the wrong spot because the timing I thought was right was wrong. None of this is visible when feelings take the bandwidth.
Like someone who’s worked in an ER long enough — when you ask how they stay so calm, it’s not that they don’t care. They reserved that slot for “the next move.” Slots are limited.
48th try, I killed it.